How to Stop Emotional Abuse

Tips for Stopping Psychological Abuse

Emotional abuse is the most insidious form of abuse, because people don’t always know the signs they are being abused.

Before you can learn how to stop emotional abuse, you have to learn how to spot it.

Emotional Abuse Is Brainwashing

Emotional abuse is a form of brainwashing.

The abuser wants control over the target over their abuse, and uses emotional and psychological tactics to modify their behavior through breaking down their inner picture of themselves. The abuser preys upon a person’s negative emotions and lack of self-esteem, probing to learn what this person’s psychological weaknesses are, then verbally reinforcing this negativity in order to maintain power in the relationship.

The idea is that if you (the one being abused) have a low self-opinion already, this person wants to use your own internal psychology against you, reinforcing the ideas already in your mind to make you feel despair and resignation. Perhaps they want you to feel that no one else (but them) will love you, because you aren’t worthy of love. On the other hand, they might want to alienate you from your friends and family, forcing you to bow to their insecure feelings and petty jealousies. Usually, there’s a combination of the two.

What Is Emotional Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse can take many different forms, but here are some of the most common forms of emotional abuse that psychologists, sociologists, and counselors agree on.

• Verbal Threats and Intimidation
• Angry Fits and Tantrums
• Silent Treatment as Punishment
• Constant Criticism
• Make Jokes at Your Expense
• Calling You Names
• Countering – You’re Wrong!
• Take Decision Making Away
• Discounting Emotional Abuse

Verbal Threats

Emotional abusers use verbal threats to intimidate their partner and modify their behavior. They might threaten to leave you, to stay out all night, to leave the house and leave you alone. The idea is that you dread what might happen next.

When analyzed, you’ll see that a lot of emotional abuse is actually childish behavior, though the behavior is serious if you’re the one being abused. This is like the child who tells their playmates, do this “or I won’t be your friend”.

Childish or not, threats of any kind are serious. That’s because the abuser is testing you to see what you’ll take, and the threats get worse, the more you take. Eventually, this could turn into physical abuse, if your abuser thinks it’s something he can get away with.

Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is another form of punishment which is actually a brute attempt at behavior modification. This is similar to the verbal threat, meant to imply that you should stop what you’re doing, or lose their love. Once again, this is a pure behavior modification technique meant to gain control of a relationship.

Anger Fits and Tantrums

Blowing up in anger is a means of cowering you and intimidating you. They want you to think you’re made a serious error and their anger is punishment for your stupidity. Once again, this is a childish temper tantrum. If you’re on the receiving end of this behavior, understand there is never a justification for this tantrum, no matter how they try to justify this.

Criticism – Spotting Emotional Abuse

The first three should be easy to spot, but this next one is more difficult. If your boyfriend or girlfriend criticizes everything you do,they are trying to ruin your self-esteem. This is like one of those giant snakes which coils around a victim and constricts them to death: they are trying to restrict your viable action, controlling your every move by criticizing any initiative or individuality on your part.

You’ll hear criticism of the meals you cook, the clothes you wear, the movies and tv shows you watch, the music you listen to, your favorite hobbies and pasttime. Anything which can be defined as part of your personality and persona can be and will be a target of criticism. If nothing you do is right, then you’ll follow your abuser, because only they know what is right.

Jokes at Your Expense

Along with the criticism comes sly jokes and sarcastic remarks about everything you do. You become the butt of every joke in an attempt to trivialize what you stand for and everything you do. You are worthy of nothing but derision.

If you were to confront the abuser about these jokes, you would be criticized (of course) for being too sensitive. You can’t even take a good-natured joke. But there’s a difference in good-natured ribbing and teasing, and constant derisive behavior to belittle your very existence. Don’t stand for being the constant target of his or her jokes.

Calling You Names

This is one of the simplest, most direct, and most childish forms of emotional abuse. At the same time, it’s one of the most devastating. The person has a habit of calling you names.

Once again, it’s one thing being called pet names of affection–”sweetie”, “honey”, “lovey”–and another thing to be called names of derision and abuse. These can take a lot of forms, from “dummy” to “airhead” and “ditzy” to something as hurtful as “stupid”.

Countering – Reflexive Negativity

Countering is negating anything you say as “wrong”. No matter what you say, you are countered with “no” or “wrong”. A man asks his wife where she wants to eat. She names a restaurant she knows he likes, in order to please him. Despite loving that restaurant, he finds fault with it and refuses to go there. That’s countering.

Whatever the target of abuse says is wrong, no matter what. Don’t get me wrong: this can include any opinion or thought you have, not just your choice of restaurants. If you state an opinion of any sort and they take the opposite stance, no matter what, you are being emotionally abused. The idea is to keep you questioning everything about yourself and to keep you bewildered.

Making Command Decisions

Another way an emotional abuser takes control of the relationship is to simply stop consulting you on life decisions. They want total control, so eventually they are going to test to see whether you’ll let them get away with making all the decisions.

Once again, this is quite similar to a child testing a parent’s limits. Like the child, if you let them cross this boundary once or twice, it sets the table for a pattern of behavior. They are testing the boundaries of your relationship and you have to stop them.

Making decisions without consulting you is a bullying type of behavior. They have completely dismissed you as a factor in your own life, shouldering you aside as if you mean nothing. You have to stand up to this bullying the first time it happens, or else it becomes the norm in your relationship. Like a child, you have to set acceptable boundaries with an emotional abuser, or else their behavior gets worse and worse.

Denial of Emotional Abuse

Finally, when confronted about emotional abuse, an abuser is going to naturally deny they are doing this and discount attempts to confront them about their abuse. In some cases, they might not (quite) understand they are abusing you mentally and emotionally, because they grew up in a similar situation (usually with a parent) and they grew up in this behavior. Most of the time, they know exactly what they are doing–attempting to gain total control of another person.

How to Stop Emotional Abuse

Now that you know what you’re dealing with, it’s time to end this behavior. You cannot accept this in your life or else you’ll never be happy. We can go back and forth whether someone who emotionally abuses their partner truly “loves” the other person, or simply has an emotional need to control another person, but let’s assume they love you in their own way, yet don’t know how to maintain a normal loving relationship. You have two choices: end the abuse and stay in the relationship, or end the relationship.

If you don’t end the relationship, this romance is likely going to be a constant struggle for power and control. That works for some couples, while it drives others to misery. Usually, I suggest a person who is being emotionally abused to get out of a relationship like this and find someone who accepts them for who they are and is ready to live in a giving, nurturing relationship. I understand that many people don’t want to take that step, so here’s how to end emotional abuse in your relationship.

Confront Your Abuser

First, you have to confront the emotional abuser. You are living in a world where things are turned upside-down. Love means obediance and dread of your partner’s reaction, instead of mutual sharing, mutual affection, and turning to a loved one for mutual support. Also, your relationship is built on a constant stream of lies: you aren’t good enough, you aren’t smart enough, you need me to make decisions for you. To make this relationship work, you have to set the record straight.

When you confront your partner, they are naturally going to deny the abuse. They are used to lying and manipulation, so it’s nothing to them to lie about their intentions. They’ve constructed a whole psychological structure based on the idea you are always wrong and your opinions are worthless, so if you voice your opinion that they are abusing you, they will reflexively deny this.

That’s why you have to have the facts about emotional abuse. Once you know what emotional abuse is, you can point out specific cases where they abuse you in the relationship. You’ll be armed with facts and it’s no longer “just your opinion”. Don’t let your boyfriend or girlfriend convince you any differently.

Set Boundaries

Once you get this out in the open, you have to act on your knowledge. You have to set boundaries beyond which your abuser cannot go. This means you won’t live with emotional abuse. If it continues, you have to be prepared to leave the relationship. They have to know you won’t put up with emotional abuse.

Instead of treating this person with awe and fear, you have to understand that this person is an emotional child. You have to treat them like a child, setting boundaries to their behavior.

“Setting boundaries” means you have to restore a normal, rational sense of balance to your relations. You reward good behavior and discourage bad behavior. Don’t reward bad behavior by letting emotional abuse pass. Don’t dismiss their emotional abuse as “just the way they are” or “just how they show love”, because that kind of love isn’t worth having.

Instead, reward them for treating you right and refuse to put up with them treating you wrong. Once again, be prepared to walk out if they refuse to change.

Work on Your Self-Esteem

If you have put up with someone tearing down everything you do for months or years, your self-esteem needs work. Rebuild your self-esteem. Standing up to your tormentor is a good first step. Refusing to alter your behavior to suit their every whim is another step in the right direction. But rebuilding your self-esteem goes further.

You have to understand that human beings are flawed, imperfect creations. That means you won’t always do the smartest, wisest thing in your life. You are only human. But that also means that you aren’t always wrong, either. Human beings make mistake, but that doesn’t mean they are unworthy of love and respect. Everyone deserves love and respect, including you.

Everyone also deserves a nurturing relationship. Spending your life with someone who tears down everything you do and criticizing everything you think and say isn’t healthy. No matter what you think right now, you are better than that and can do better than that. Don’t get trapped in a relationship built on negativity.

So what if that television show you enjoy is stupid? You like it and it brings you joy. At least that tv show doesn’t broadcast to you about how worthless you are. Held up to scrutiny, any life can be made to look ridiculous. Don’t accept constant scrutiny of your life.

Talk to Friends and Family

Talk to friends and family that you trust. One part of emotional abuse is to get total control of you. A part of that is isolating from any outside perspective. Someone who is emotionally abusive wants you isolated, alone, and totally under their influence. They may have tried to alienate you from your friends and family, heaping derision and criticism on them when the two of you are alone.

Don’t fall into this trap. Instead, talk to other people about this abuse. Once you get more than one opinion about the relationship, you’ll begin to understand there are people in this world who love you, respect you, care about you, and feel like you have worth. When you’re being abused, don’t close yourself off to the world in shame and despair. That’s the time you need all the friends you can have. Find somone outside your relationship with the abuser, someone you can trust, and open up to them. As the old saying goes, get a second opinion.

Take Control of Your Life

You know how to spot emotional abuse. You know how to stop emotional abuse. Now it’s time to get out there and do it. You don’t need someone controlling your behavior and telling you what you should do in your life. Empower yourself, take responsibility for your own actions, and begin to live a more fulfilling life.

You are a person of value and worth. You deserve respect. Don’t let your abuser convince you of anything different. Don’t live with abuse. That means you confront the source of this emotional abuse. If that doesn’t change their behavior, you have to get out of the relationship. It’s as simple as that.

You got into this relationship to find a companion who would support you and satisfy you. If they are emotionally abusing you, they are incapable of giving you the support and satisfaction you desire and you need. In the end, you know how to stop emotional abuse–get out of the relationship and find someone who is loving and supportive of your decisions and your life.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 30th, 2010 at 5:48 pm and is filed under Relationships, Self-improvement. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.